What If?

What If?

I was thinking about all the ‘what if’s’ in life….

On my life; what if I had not gotten cancer, I would not be better for it; it has given me a unique perspective. The only drawback is that the first sighting of hair growing back is my chin hairs…wouldn’t you know it.
What if -I didn’t have the support I have – I’d be much less inclined to fight this thing
What if –I could actually complete this book I’ve been contemplating for 25 years – I’d be better especially if it sold, I could quit working and just volunteer my time – perhaps go rock babies at a hospital or something more to my liking-and of course, travel the world
What if – I didn’t have the amazing love affair that I have with my wife – can’t imagine where I would be – can’t fathom being single at almost 60 and dating-YUK- she better live longer than I do

On friends: what if – we weren’t connected in some way- we really are, that whole six degrees of separation; don’t you think our lives would be much worse for that
What if – we weren’t such unique, diverse, and accomplished people; the world would be less good for that
What if – I could somehow erase your struggles, pain, and sadness – I could make a LOT of money, and be more fulfilled than I am already-the notion that money can’t buy happiness is not completely true – it sure helps, especially in these uncertain times
What if ––‘god was one of us’ – which I contend might be true – by virtue of the love shared, the connectedness, and the good deeds we do for one another
What if – we found a way to resolve ALL our family issues-OMG

The world at large:
What if – children lived in a world with no hate, abuse, or prejudice?
What if – we lived in a world with no hate, abuse or prejudice?
What if –there weren’t both the Rachel Maddow’s and Rush Limbaugh’s of the 24-hour news cycle – I wouldn’t have the luxury of hearing both sides-and staying perplexed about all the issues that we face
What if –this life, this world, we, don’t really exist, but are maybe manifestations of the dreams of some animal that is hibernating for the winter, and when that animal wakes up, that’s it, we are over…this one was born out of an acid trip in the sixties-I still think it may be true, even without the acid

Pros and Cons

In Retrospect

So, over six months into this cancer thing, I’ve learned a most important lesson; there are benefits, and ‘non’ benefits to having cancer. Better to start with the ‘non’ so as to end on a high note

Non Benefits:

1) Almost constant nausea
2) Little legs don’t work nearly as good or fast as they used to; my wife has always gotten irritated with me because I walked ahead of her – (could be a benefit too….now we walk together, or me behind her)
3) Trying to figure out every day which do-rag to cover my bald head with – I have two wigs, but don’t wear them cuz I know everyone knows they are wigs, (like people don't know I'm wearing scarves for same reason)-wondering how long before the hair comes back; I’ve heard it comes back patchy, the same way it came out-that would suck -
4) The fear it will grow back grayer
5) Being asked 10-15 times a day how I feel… you see, I have that socially retarded thing in one-on- one situations – put me in front of 80 people and I’m good


Benefits:

1) Got a beautiful new wedding ring out of it….the one I’d always dreamed of, lots of sizable shimmering diamonds
2) 2) The wife, after over 20 years of my being the cook in the house, who now cooks for me….she does so, both willingly and begrudgingly. Hmmm….maybe I’ll play on this one awhile
3) New awareness of just how many people I have in my life that give a shit
4) Picturing my hair will come back without gray,and straight– like I have always dreamed of having….the only thing that I was ever able to straighten my hair with is Motions – which is not for white girls -inevitably, every time I use it, I burn my scalp
5) The loss of weight from all the nausea; always a good thing just by virtue of being a women
6) Being asked 10-15 times a day how I feel...maybe it will cure my social retardation

Capital "G"

This tirade was inspired by a news story today that Sarah Palin is the third most popular GOP candidate for 2012- no offense to anyone and none intended. … wondering why I feel reticent, uneasy, because I have this overwhelming urge to tell people, whom I love,cherish, and respect, that I react the constant references to, and messages about God, that one with a capital G….I respect their views- it works for them, but to include it in so much of the social media, email, chats, and live, in person, makes me wonder– how do we define that ‘something’ that IS bigger than us-and to attach instructions and conditions - like – ‘if you just pray, this cancer will be away…or, if you don't live and act a certain way, you are doomed...I am content to know that I am in awe of whatever it is that’s ‘bigger’ than us, me, but in probably 99% of traditional religious arenas, me, my past, my lifestyle, my wife, are regarded as some kind of sick perversion– STILL. In 2010, does this still happen-how is there still racism, sexism, judgment, intolerance, rage and hate-most of it driven and justified by religion if you really look at history, and the present.

They say we should avoid religion and politics, but what the hell, it’s that kind of morning-one of reflection, affection for all my friends, love for my family, but, as well, my truth at this moment-I do pray, for lack of a better word, just not sure what or who hears me- and I’m okay with that-with the knowledge and humility that something is greater than I, than us. I guess the bottom line for me is the vast difference between religion and spirituality…. Above all else, having the friends and family I have – is what are the closest thing to god for me, without the capital G. their energy and love are what sustains, fills me. So I thank them. And, above all else, the fact that I did feel reticent, uneasy about sharing this – my truth, says something….it shouldn’t, but it does – it says that if one doesn’t quite fit with what seems to be a majority, then one is somehow not good enough or should be fearful. I beg to differ.